i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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