Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
