I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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