Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
