I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize