woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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