The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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