I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
