If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
