Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
