if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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