Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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