Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
