Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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