if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
