also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
