Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
