i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
