tell your sister to shave her snatch
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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