I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
