You smell like stripper and shame
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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