You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
