If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
