The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
