I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
