Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
