Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
