I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
