i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
