Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
