ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have aggressive nipples.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
