Soap is not a condiment
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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