I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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