I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
