I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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