Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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