i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
