I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
