note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
