I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
