Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
