I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize