Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
