You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
