I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
