We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i've created a new STD.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
