so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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