If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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