when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
