Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
