I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
A bitchslap is in order.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
