i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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