I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize