i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
