the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
