Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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