I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
