On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
