is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize