If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
