my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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